Q: Can you moderate alcohol?
P.3: Exploring how neurodivergence, hormones, and cPTSD reshape recovery
This is the third part of the series After Quit Like a Woman: Exploring how neurodivergence, hormones, and cPTSD reshape recovery. PART I, my story, is here; PART II,Relapse Isn’t What You Think, is here.
Last week I shared a conversation between my friend Carrie Wilkens and myself (“Relapse isn’t what you think”). We primarily discussed why people return to use or relapse, what relapse is and how we define it, and what addiction actually is (is it stimming, is it nervous system management?) and how that is evolving, and we talk very candidly about my return to cannabis (Carrie was one of the first people I interviewed for my upcoming book).
Inevitably, we get into discussing whether or not it’s possible to moderate (anything, especially after addiction), and I bring up this article I wrote in 2022 (see below), before I used cannabis, where I answered a reader’s question about whether they can moderate alcohol. I was certain I was going to want to change a lot of it and it turns out I stand by pretty much all of it.
Carrie makes it clear in our episode that she would never answer someone if they asked her if they could moderate; she thinks it would be wholly irresponsible since every single one of us is different, and that you cannot answer this question for someone else; it can only be answered by ourselves. I agree.
Dear Recovering:
Is it possible to drink alcohol in moderation? I am now reading Mindful Drinking by Rosamund Dean who says that it is. I know the continuum of alcoholic on the left and nondrinker on the right. I like to drink and would fall somewhere left of center. There have been long periods of time when I would drink every day. We have a country house and Thursdays are cocktail hour where we could have as many as a dozen people. Not unusual to have 3 plus vodkas, a bottle of wine and after dinner drinks.
I should point out that years ago, I quit drinking for several years. During this time, I was the leading candidate to become [big job] of [redacted]. During an interview, [redacted] brought out a bottle of wine, and I think the fact that I did not drink cost me the job.
I do give up alcohol every year during lent. AND, I stopped drinking February 1st as part of a weight loss competition and have not started again. I would like to enjoy alcohol in moderation, but do not want to go back to where I was with a habit of drinking every day.
Sincerely,
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
You’re asking whether I believe people can moderate alcohol. The short answer is: sure. The long answer is long.
1. Disclaimer
This past winter when I was interviewed for the Well + Good1 podcast, the host asked me what advice I had for someone who was going to brunch and not drinking alcohol. The question wasn’t about cravings or dignity or addiction, it was about being left out, not having as much fun as everyone else, or having to explain your virgin orange juice. And because either I was really tired, or because this same “wellness” company had that day posted a meme about how wine was self-care, or because I’d just spent a week in zero-degree weather without heat or electricity due to a biblical-ass ice storm, I sighed, and said something like “My advice is this: the world is on fucking fire, if your biggest issue is you can’t get brunch-drunk or you might have an awkward moment turning down a mimosa, you’re doing fine.” Then I went off on some tangent about alcohol as a government sponsored drug meant to keep us complacent and out of power, blah blah blah.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that they didn’t air any of this. They edited it to make me sound like a likable, aspirational lady here to help you crush your first Sober Curious Brunch (which, to be fair, is not outside my range), instead of a woman who has possibly spent too much time with her cat reading books on totalitarianism and raised-bed gardening.
I’m not opening with this story to answer your question, but to set an honest expectation. You’re asking someone who hasn’t had a drink in over nine years whether I think you should keep trying to make alcohol work, and I want to be clear that I’m biased, that my answer is subjective. I recently made it through getting kicked out of my company, losing most of my wealth and pretty much all my future plans, an ego death, a global pandemic, and two lonely lonely years in the deep dark woods without using alcohol or drugs2. I am not the kind of person inclined to believe one needs alcohol to survive the worst years of their life; I am also not kind of person inclined to believe one needs alcohol to enjoy the best ones, either.
That being said, I don’t have a horse in this race—I don’t care if you drink. I don’t care if anyone drinks. I care that you are true to yourself, that you make decisions that feel in alignment with your values and true desires. I care that you are at peace and living your best life, whatever that looks like.
Okay, enough throat clearing! Onto your question. The best way I know how to answer whether someone can moderate alcohol is through a series of observations I’ve made over the years, and then try and sum it up at the end.
2. There’s a reason people don’t “moderate” cigarettes
I’ve given about a hundred interviews over the past 7 years, give or take. Because of the entrenched beliefs we have about alcohol in the U.S.3 and because of the normalization and sheer ubiquity of drinking, in maybe half of those interviews I’ve been asked whether or not we can’t just moderate alcohol. Think about that: There I am, a person who has suffered from the use of alcohol, who has written a book about how terrible and pointless drinking is, who ran an entire company dedicated to helping people not die from drinking alcohol, and interviewers—instead of being alarmed by the damage caused by alcohol!!—are alarmed that someone would suggest none of us should use it.
I usually answer those moderation questions with another question: If we were talking about cigarettes, would you ask me about moderation? Do you think there’s a safe level of cigarette smoking that qualifies as moderate? If not, why not? Do you know anyone who smokes and isn’t addicted? Can some people use cigarettes without being harmed or harming? Is it extreme to suggest that none of us should use tobacco products?
We have very different cultural and societal attitudes and beliefs about cigarettes than we do about alcohol and I don’t need to get into them here; you know them. I use the cigarette as an example only because those commonly held beliefs about smoking are as entrenched as they are around alcohol, in almost opposing ways. Part of why you’re asking whether or not you can moderate alcohol is because you’ve been conditioned to believe ethanol is a good drug you’re supposed to use, that your life will be better with, just like you’ve been conditioned to believe nicotine is a bad drug you’re not supposed to use, that your life will be better without. These are constructs—not full, objective truths.
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When you say “moderate” alcohol you’re using it as a verb, and in our current zeitgeist, we don’t “moderate” any other psychoactive drug (you probably haven’t come across books on mindfully using meth, for instance.) This language exists specific to alcohol, and, IMO, exists to reinforce a false narrative that alcohol isn’t dangerous, problematic, toxic, or addictive, that we can control it if we try hard enough, that we should try hard to keep it in our lives versus just not use it at all.4
3. People who don’t have a problem with alcohol don’t have to work at moderating alcohol
When I first got sober I believed everyone cared to some degree about alcohol the way I did—they just controlled it better. It was a revelation to learn that I was wrong, that there are many, many people who don’t care about drinking alcohol (like at all). Alcohol is to them what something like prunes are to me: I like prunes enough, I’ll have them if they’re around, I can eat just one, and if I never have a prune again in my life I wouldn’t even think to miss it.