I am literally reading this while sitting with my dying mother. Not hyperbole. She is in her final hours. And even though I’ve taken a leave of work and feel space and privilege and freedom and support, I have this aching conflict of stepping forward into the space and unknown and rushing back to the grind of doing things anyway even though I don’t really have it in me because I’m being crushed by grief. (Your words about Andrea Gibson were profoundly connected to my experience this past couple of years and I thank you for always saying things out loud just when I need the reflection). My mother hollered the other day from her passage tunnel, “I can’t go forward and I can’t go backward.” And this is precisely how I feel right now. What else is there to do when sitting with the dying but to lean in and be present and patient? Thanks for being with me/us. I love you. Really. So much.
As someone who just went back to work *yesterday* after more than three years away, after swimming in lostness in my own ways... yes yes yes yes. Thank you always. 💛🌼
I still don’t know what I’m doing with my fucking life or what my future contributions to the world might be! BUT after four years of leaning into the lost place (well, two years of desperately clinging and two years of leaning in) I don’t look at those questions as problems to be solved anymore, or judge myself for not having solved them. I tried and failed for 20 years to achieve my way into this sense of peace, until I was forced to learn I’d been knocking on the wrong door. You write about all this so beautifully and effectively, I love you, I’m so glad we got lost together.
I will never know how to properly thank all our angels for the gift of navigating this with you. Love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. Cosmically.
This came at the right time, the right day, the right week, the right month. I'm sitting in it and appreciating the encouragement and support to continue to do so. Thanks a bunch for this post.
Dear Holly. So much love for you. I have cherished all your writing through my liminal space. From the terminal diagnosis, to letting go, to living on despite the diagnosis, to now, with a extended life that i am not going to fill, but just live. Joy and love to you.
I told myself and others I was “taking a sabbatical” to heal from my burnout 16 mos ago. Here I am, still feeling dread, when I think of returning to my profession. Luckily I have a very supportive partner who has not put pressure on me to “figure things out” nor has he tried to come up with solutions for my work situation. More and more I feel that I cannot return to my previous occupation, nursing. A wise person in my meditation group said to me recently “the issues that caused the burnout have not gone away, they have only worsened. Do you want to return to that?” Your writing and your podcast Quitted were pivotal in the lead up to me actually taking the plunge and quitting. I binge listened to Quitted after I dropped my youngest off at college. I still worked for another 2.5 years after that, alternating between pushing through (painful!) and slowly disentangling from the image I had of myself. I have come so far but it is still a daily struggle. I’m still in the liminal space, hoping through my explorations, something meaningful to do will make itself known. I admit that when your energy returned, I was a little disappointed. I’m sorry! That is so schadenfreude! This just tells me that, while the awareness there was someone else also in the the messy middle gave me solace, I have more work to do on allowing my own process to unfold with its unique timeline. My highest self wants only the best for every other being on this precious planet.
I KNOW! Believe I know. One of my clients said the same thing today and I think I’d feel the exact same way. It just felt so much like something was so profoundly broken but I think now it’s more like, I was just getting rid of things, and I’m speaking like this is some kind of after but there’s never that. There’s just a peace i think that we start cultivating in ourselves. I still love the idea of secret work being done inside us, that we don’t even know is happening until one day, we do. It sounds like you’re kind of crushing it, IMO
So many sentences I want to underline (ex: "What is left is what you’ve been looking for everywhere else."). Also, you are very skilled at landing an f-bomb. There's a whole other ven diagram for all the ways our work is tied up in the apocalypse, for me, how AI and the current regime are gutting higher ed and critical thinking and showing up for work every day in a college classroom as if one introduction to sociology class might reverse all that damage, and so reading writing like this, well, it's very welcomed, so thank you.
Holly, thank you so much for this. And for all of it, really. It was your words a few years ago that gave language to what I was experiencing but couldn’t name — and I’m still in it, in many ways.
Daily walks in the woods (often for hours) help me recalibrate who I actually am. But without your writing, your bloody intense honesty, your refusal to bypass the truth — I honestly don’t think I would’ve made it.
Your voice has been a tether. A reminder. A mirror.
I love you from my bones, and I truly mean that. 💕
Thank you for this incredibly reassuring piece, Holly. And I really thank you also for pulling together this collection of links to your previous work that elaborates on this (I know that takes a great deal of time and effort). Through it all you have remained one of the most generous souls on this earth!
Killing me softly. For different reasons I went through that hell for over a year. It was SO brutal that I smoked pot to help me stay in the moment and out of my head. As I look back I can say it was the biggest gift of my life. Today I practice letting go all day and now whenever I hear myself complaining I immediately remember that railing against what is is a waste of time and precious life. Nothing is worth it. Now if only the people around me had a clue about this what a wonderful world we would have.
Wow. I didn’t expect to find an article that could so succinctly describe where I am in life right now; the burnout-forced halt my life came to, the incredible number of hours escaping into TV and content, and the crumbling of my sense of self and value in the world.
While I’ve been honouring the journey (I don’t really have a choice…) and trying to lean into it, it’s not the easiest thing to navigate with others in your life. Particularly partners or spouses. I’ve found myself defending my need to take this time to heal with great fierceness. I’m lost, not weak. Just because I’m not operating at peak performance, doesn’t mean something is wrong.
Thank you! I needed to hear your story, to be reminded that I’m exactly where I need to be and to stay the course of my recovery.
Yeah no one really digs the whole finding yourself thing through TV when they’re still working 😭 Gosh I feel this. Sounds like you're doing amazing and probably the biggest boon for me was finally not needing everyone to understand me for whatever I was doing to be valid. Big big hug.
Holly, thank you for this. I read it yesterday and I can say with gratitude that I now feel like I have some permission to slow my pace in regards to getting back on the hamster wheel. I’ve been “gone” (aka from socials) for almost a year and I have been happily working on some new things behind the scenes, but I feel like I need more time. There’s been so much FOMO in this liminal space, though, it’s been hard to ignore. I got so, so so indoctrinated by the pressures of social media to be constantly producing and constantly visible. I have a very small private account for friends and family but even there I watch from the sidelines other people being sooooooo productive and I feel a pang. Thankfully I feel like the bigger, wiser part of me doesn’t give into that. But I’ve definitely felt like I’ve had to “prove” that my absence was fruitful, which is what your piece here has given me permission to step back from. My ebb is just my ebb! I’ve learned a lot here. In fact, I’m more comfortable here than I was being so fucking public all the time. Thank you love you!
I mean, it's really funny how the internet distorts, because you seem very productive lol. I am so grateful for you and your voice and your work and your refusal to do anything but go at your pace and within your ability. You're a beacon to me in so many ways. Loving you madly.
Thank you Holly, for this wonderful piece of writing, you always feel like "the twin sister a few years ahead" which makes you a god given beacon that shine through the smog of my mind
I've been burned out for a few years and I'm still struggling with the fact that I can't be and do what I used to be capable of
What is very difficult for me (and what relates to what you explain) is that it's not just corporate work that got me down but an over engagement in NGO working for others (namely in the french planned parenthood and in feminist action) I'm still stuck in a guilt trip of "letting everyone down in a moment when the all world is crumbling, the far right is rising and every able body should be on the fucking deck"
I know in my conscient mind that it's stupid and I'm not expected to save the world with my small arms but I can't (for the moment, but reading you helps) stop to feel shame and guilt for being "a weak quitter that snoozes in front of Netflix, when she should save the fucking World"
Thank you again Holly, you give me hope I might someday be at peace with all that
I know what you mean—I felt this too for years, post covid, like I really had planned to be one of the ones helping when we lost our collective shit but I was just so broken and sick and tired and bereft and all those things. I had planned to be one of the helpers and I felt like an epic piece of shit lol, which is so horrible because gosh, I needed to rest so I tag back in.
This week on my podcast I talked with Erica Chidi (it’s on patreon now and comes out tomorrow) and it’s called “nervous system regulation IS managing the crisis” and it’s so good and you’re probably gonna feel seen and relieved. I think there’s a lot of people who are in action and not necessarily from a regulated place which, you know, chaos. I really think that you get to rest, regulate, and when you do tap back in, which you will (and let’s be honest you probably are doing a shit ton more than you are giving yourself credit for) you’ll be able to be fully there and help in ways that you imagine in your heart. I think it’s so important to remember what comes from health is so different we barely recognize it anymore. Godspeed baby.
"It freed me from many of the ideas that keep all of us trapped—it freed me from the fallacy that we need to have a purpose to have a good life. " Thank you, Holly. Brilliant writing. Towards the last few paragraphs I was hearing your voice in my head like you were delivering this powerful message. Many hugs.
Thank you, Holly, for this vulnerable piece. I find this topic to be especially pertinent given the collapsing society we are living through that tells us our only worth can be found in working or bearing children, neither of which is possible in the state you are describing, where I have lived for years. I am incredibly privileged as well with my financial situation being stable because of a spouse, but feel as if I wouldn't exist if not. Certainly not in the eyes of the current U.S. Gov't that believes I am not worthy of healthcare or even food if I am not working or proving I am trying to work. It is hard to get that messaging out of your head. I am actively trying to remember my innate worth as a human being and even use it as a form of rebellion against all the absurdity. *screams into pillow then takes a deep breath* 🙏
I am literally reading this while sitting with my dying mother. Not hyperbole. She is in her final hours. And even though I’ve taken a leave of work and feel space and privilege and freedom and support, I have this aching conflict of stepping forward into the space and unknown and rushing back to the grind of doing things anyway even though I don’t really have it in me because I’m being crushed by grief. (Your words about Andrea Gibson were profoundly connected to my experience this past couple of years and I thank you for always saying things out loud just when I need the reflection). My mother hollered the other day from her passage tunnel, “I can’t go forward and I can’t go backward.” And this is precisely how I feel right now. What else is there to do when sitting with the dying but to lean in and be present and patient? Thanks for being with me/us. I love you. Really. So much.
Julianna ♥️ It’s the hardest thing to learn, even when it’s so up close, isn’t it? Massive amounts of love to you.
As someone who just went back to work *yesterday* after more than three years away, after swimming in lostness in my own ways... yes yes yes yes. Thank you always. 💛🌼
Never not channeling you. ♥️
I still don’t know what I’m doing with my fucking life or what my future contributions to the world might be! BUT after four years of leaning into the lost place (well, two years of desperately clinging and two years of leaning in) I don’t look at those questions as problems to be solved anymore, or judge myself for not having solved them. I tried and failed for 20 years to achieve my way into this sense of peace, until I was forced to learn I’d been knocking on the wrong door. You write about all this so beautifully and effectively, I love you, I’m so glad we got lost together.
I will never know how to properly thank all our angels for the gift of navigating this with you. Love you more than I will ever be able to tell you. Cosmically.
You continue to be the voice of whatever I am also living in. Thank you for putting it into words, and thank you for being.
Whatever tf it is ♥️ big hug
This came at the right time, the right day, the right week, the right month. I'm sitting in it and appreciating the encouragement and support to continue to do so. Thanks a bunch for this post.
♥️ this second.
Dear Holly. So much love for you. I have cherished all your writing through my liminal space. From the terminal diagnosis, to letting go, to living on despite the diagnosis, to now, with a extended life that i am not going to fill, but just live. Joy and love to you.
Beautiful Josh. Love you so much. I’ve felt you every step of the way.
I told myself and others I was “taking a sabbatical” to heal from my burnout 16 mos ago. Here I am, still feeling dread, when I think of returning to my profession. Luckily I have a very supportive partner who has not put pressure on me to “figure things out” nor has he tried to come up with solutions for my work situation. More and more I feel that I cannot return to my previous occupation, nursing. A wise person in my meditation group said to me recently “the issues that caused the burnout have not gone away, they have only worsened. Do you want to return to that?” Your writing and your podcast Quitted were pivotal in the lead up to me actually taking the plunge and quitting. I binge listened to Quitted after I dropped my youngest off at college. I still worked for another 2.5 years after that, alternating between pushing through (painful!) and slowly disentangling from the image I had of myself. I have come so far but it is still a daily struggle. I’m still in the liminal space, hoping through my explorations, something meaningful to do will make itself known. I admit that when your energy returned, I was a little disappointed. I’m sorry! That is so schadenfreude! This just tells me that, while the awareness there was someone else also in the the messy middle gave me solace, I have more work to do on allowing my own process to unfold with its unique timeline. My highest self wants only the best for every other being on this precious planet.
I KNOW! Believe I know. One of my clients said the same thing today and I think I’d feel the exact same way. It just felt so much like something was so profoundly broken but I think now it’s more like, I was just getting rid of things, and I’m speaking like this is some kind of after but there’s never that. There’s just a peace i think that we start cultivating in ourselves. I still love the idea of secret work being done inside us, that we don’t even know is happening until one day, we do. It sounds like you’re kind of crushing it, IMO
So many sentences I want to underline (ex: "What is left is what you’ve been looking for everywhere else."). Also, you are very skilled at landing an f-bomb. There's a whole other ven diagram for all the ways our work is tied up in the apocalypse, for me, how AI and the current regime are gutting higher ed and critical thinking and showing up for work every day in a college classroom as if one introduction to sociology class might reverse all that damage, and so reading writing like this, well, it's very welcomed, so thank you.
AI knows nothing about a well placed fuck!! Big love to you sweet Monica.
Holly, thank you so much for this. And for all of it, really. It was your words a few years ago that gave language to what I was experiencing but couldn’t name — and I’m still in it, in many ways.
Daily walks in the woods (often for hours) help me recalibrate who I actually am. But without your writing, your bloody intense honesty, your refusal to bypass the truth — I honestly don’t think I would’ve made it.
Your voice has been a tether. A reminder. A mirror.
I love you from my bones, and I truly mean that. 💕
Lissa, gosh what do I do with things like this? I love you. Thank you, notes like these make all of this worth it and a miracle.
Thank you for this incredibly reassuring piece, Holly. And I really thank you also for pulling together this collection of links to your previous work that elaborates on this (I know that takes a great deal of time and effort). Through it all you have remained one of the most generous souls on this earth!
♥️♥️ thanks Allison
Killing me softly. For different reasons I went through that hell for over a year. It was SO brutal that I smoked pot to help me stay in the moment and out of my head. As I look back I can say it was the biggest gift of my life. Today I practice letting go all day and now whenever I hear myself complaining I immediately remember that railing against what is is a waste of time and precious life. Nothing is worth it. Now if only the people around me had a clue about this what a wonderful world we would have.
All of this. Amen.
Wow. I didn’t expect to find an article that could so succinctly describe where I am in life right now; the burnout-forced halt my life came to, the incredible number of hours escaping into TV and content, and the crumbling of my sense of self and value in the world.
While I’ve been honouring the journey (I don’t really have a choice…) and trying to lean into it, it’s not the easiest thing to navigate with others in your life. Particularly partners or spouses. I’ve found myself defending my need to take this time to heal with great fierceness. I’m lost, not weak. Just because I’m not operating at peak performance, doesn’t mean something is wrong.
Thank you! I needed to hear your story, to be reminded that I’m exactly where I need to be and to stay the course of my recovery.
Yeah no one really digs the whole finding yourself thing through TV when they’re still working 😭 Gosh I feel this. Sounds like you're doing amazing and probably the biggest boon for me was finally not needing everyone to understand me for whatever I was doing to be valid. Big big hug.
Holly, thank you for this. I read it yesterday and I can say with gratitude that I now feel like I have some permission to slow my pace in regards to getting back on the hamster wheel. I’ve been “gone” (aka from socials) for almost a year and I have been happily working on some new things behind the scenes, but I feel like I need more time. There’s been so much FOMO in this liminal space, though, it’s been hard to ignore. I got so, so so indoctrinated by the pressures of social media to be constantly producing and constantly visible. I have a very small private account for friends and family but even there I watch from the sidelines other people being sooooooo productive and I feel a pang. Thankfully I feel like the bigger, wiser part of me doesn’t give into that. But I’ve definitely felt like I’ve had to “prove” that my absence was fruitful, which is what your piece here has given me permission to step back from. My ebb is just my ebb! I’ve learned a lot here. In fact, I’m more comfortable here than I was being so fucking public all the time. Thank you love you!
I mean, it's really funny how the internet distorts, because you seem very productive lol. I am so grateful for you and your voice and your work and your refusal to do anything but go at your pace and within your ability. You're a beacon to me in so many ways. Loving you madly.
Thank you Holly, for this wonderful piece of writing, you always feel like "the twin sister a few years ahead" which makes you a god given beacon that shine through the smog of my mind
I've been burned out for a few years and I'm still struggling with the fact that I can't be and do what I used to be capable of
What is very difficult for me (and what relates to what you explain) is that it's not just corporate work that got me down but an over engagement in NGO working for others (namely in the french planned parenthood and in feminist action) I'm still stuck in a guilt trip of "letting everyone down in a moment when the all world is crumbling, the far right is rising and every able body should be on the fucking deck"
I know in my conscient mind that it's stupid and I'm not expected to save the world with my small arms but I can't (for the moment, but reading you helps) stop to feel shame and guilt for being "a weak quitter that snoozes in front of Netflix, when she should save the fucking World"
Thank you again Holly, you give me hope I might someday be at peace with all that
I know what you mean—I felt this too for years, post covid, like I really had planned to be one of the ones helping when we lost our collective shit but I was just so broken and sick and tired and bereft and all those things. I had planned to be one of the helpers and I felt like an epic piece of shit lol, which is so horrible because gosh, I needed to rest so I tag back in.
This week on my podcast I talked with Erica Chidi (it’s on patreon now and comes out tomorrow) and it’s called “nervous system regulation IS managing the crisis” and it’s so good and you’re probably gonna feel seen and relieved. I think there’s a lot of people who are in action and not necessarily from a regulated place which, you know, chaos. I really think that you get to rest, regulate, and when you do tap back in, which you will (and let’s be honest you probably are doing a shit ton more than you are giving yourself credit for) you’ll be able to be fully there and help in ways that you imagine in your heart. I think it’s so important to remember what comes from health is so different we barely recognize it anymore. Godspeed baby.
"It freed me from many of the ideas that keep all of us trapped—it freed me from the fallacy that we need to have a purpose to have a good life. " Thank you, Holly. Brilliant writing. Towards the last few paragraphs I was hearing your voice in my head like you were delivering this powerful message. Many hugs.
♥️♥️🫂
Thank you, Holly, for this vulnerable piece. I find this topic to be especially pertinent given the collapsing society we are living through that tells us our only worth can be found in working or bearing children, neither of which is possible in the state you are describing, where I have lived for years. I am incredibly privileged as well with my financial situation being stable because of a spouse, but feel as if I wouldn't exist if not. Certainly not in the eyes of the current U.S. Gov't that believes I am not worthy of healthcare or even food if I am not working or proving I am trying to work. It is hard to get that messaging out of your head. I am actively trying to remember my innate worth as a human being and even use it as a form of rebellion against all the absurdity. *screams into pillow then takes a deep breath* 🙏
For what it’s worth, I think you’re kind of rebellion is a pretty severe form of protest ♥️