#64 On self worth and being the person you thought you'd outrun
something about being kind to myself for no reason at all
Two months ago I was out with some friends when all of a sudden my gums started hurting in a way that made me think I was absolutely about to lose all my teeth. As a former bulimic (and also a former Person With Alcohol Addiction who could not master brushing her teeth before bed for years), I’ve had around twenty thousand dollars worth of mouth work done since I stopped drinking, and one of my biggest fears is my gums folding in on themselves; imploding.
The pain was so bad I couldn’t really eat or actually even smile and instead of going to the dentist like a normal fucking person, I Googled gums hurt signs of, started oil pulling with clove, and bought a Water Pik, and I would have continued on in this way had I not woken up a few days later with my entire face throbbing so bad I had to make an emergency dental appointment, which is something I’ve only seen happen on TV.
Relief of all reliefs it was not, as I had assumed, my gums (they’re healthy, boop). I’d *just* clenched my jaw so hard for so many years, and worn my enamel down from the aforementioned bulimia, that I bit my tooth in half—right down the middle. Without proper anesthetic or pain medicine (flex) I had the tooth removed, and then my skull drilled into, and now instead of a bicuspid on the right side of my mouth I have a little metal stub. Until January1.
I am toothless, and I’m toothless because of the things I have done to myself. I am toothless because of my history of irresponsibility, and my continuing irresponsibility2.
This would not be that big of a deal if it didn’t happen to be happening this year, at this time, right as I’m coming out of what has felt like far too many months of intertia and regression and decompensation and failing at all the things humans are supposed to be and do. I already, without teeth stuff, feel a sort of infantilization from it all, like I’m starting over when everyone else is finishing up.
The me I imagine I am supposed to be is supposed to be getting better in every way, always, but especially in the administrative ways. The me I imagine I am supposed to be no longer puts off tooth pain, opening her mail, or doing her taxes. The me I imagine I am supposed to be is organized and on top of things and therefore responsible and therefore trustworthy and therefore an adult and the missing tooth is an affront to this entire look, and a visible one at that.
(And then there’s this: There is a part of me that enjoys this conspicuous failing, because there is a part of me that is so sick of the mask I feel I must wear to convince my self that I am a together kind of person by convincing everyone else of it first.)
Another thing that’s going on is I’ve lost my auto insurance three times this year.
Last December I bought a new car, and my insurance agent made a mistake on the paperwork—I lived in California but the car was erroneously listed as a New York vehicle. This oversite led to a temporary lapse in my auto insurance that I was informed of by mail, except the mail went to New York and not California.
I was incredulous (Karen) and I am certain I reminded everyone involved as it was happening that I had a high credit score and an impeccable driving record and I am not subject to ‘things like this’ anymore and what I meant to say was I am in recovery and this does not reconcile with the kind of person I’ve made myself become, that I think myself to be, that I need other people to see me as.
The event was short-lived and yielded no consequence, except the number of times I was compelled to retell this story to friends and family and anyone who would listen about it, mostly to assert that I was not the kind of person who lost her auto insurance, can you believe it?