I turn 60 this year and the list of things I no longer am is long. But so is the list of things I am now that I wasn’t at 20, 30, 40, even 50. And to that list I will add all the things I will be, one of which is just witchy enough to spark concern in small children but not so much so as to scare them off.
Holly - I’m sure you know this at times but perhaps the occasional reminder is not out of order. Your honest expositions of your struggles are immensely impactful to so many, myself included. Gratitude and mad respect to you my as yet not personally known but soulfully known friend.
This: "I subverted a perceived attack into a compliment, and it occurred to me, however briefly, that I cannot fail at being who I am, or being where I am. That this as much as anything else is the point of being a human: how we change into unrecognizable things, our multitudes, our complexities, our capacity to be so many different things." I cannot overstate what a profound impact you and your messy, vulnerable, kaleidoscopic perspective on life and the everything that is sobriety have had for me. Thanks from the bottom of my heart and please keep it coming.
Honestly, this post couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me. I'm only sober 11 days (I know, I know) but your book has been a tremendous help and a great sense of comfort. There are several sentences in this post that rang dang true to me but this one, "A drinking me fit within the expectations I had for myself", hit me over the head like a mallet.
As we approach St. Patrick's Day (which is like Christmas in Chico, CA [where I live]), I'm feeling extra anxious and apprehensive about it because St. Patrick's Day last year is when I ended 9 months of sobriety.
I don't know what point I'm getting at but simply put, thank you for this timely post. And thank you for being you.
Thank you Holly, this post made me become a paid subscriber. I would never call you mirthless, more brutally honest.
I’m a terminally sick woman of sixty one years old and there are a lot of things I cannot do anymore, but other things I can and will. It’s weird to not be able to watch crime, detectives and light horror as entertainment anymore, because I’ve lost the filter to see it as entertaining. For instance. Growing and changing are so difficult and so rewarding. Love
Once I was told, by a man, “You used to be so lighthearted.” Well fuck me; 50 years of life will weigh heavy on this heart of mine. And thankfully. Maybe I’m not going through life with blinders on? Maybe things and people actually AFFECT me and God forbid; CHANGE me? Thanks for being so good at being you and for reminding me that I can’t fail at being me.
Love this comment Lisa. Haven't most women also been socialized that we must make everyone else OK? We must not make anyone but us uncomfortable? And so, no longer forcing ourselves to come off as lighthearted (if that maybe was part of it) appears to me to be progress and maybe a freakin victory.
I hadn’t put this together but it makes sense; I’ve always been “The Good Girl” and the “easy child.” I’m sure that plays into it, probably mostly unconsciously.
ooooo, I love this comment. Exactly! Maybe if you feel/be mirthless, it's because you're *paying attention*. "I find you mirthless" = toxic positivity. Shallow, bypassing bullshit.
Your shitpost reader calling you mirthless in response to an essay that would have been far less impactful if diluted and trivialised with mirth is quite, well, full of mirth. In Gestalt therapy is “The Fertile Void”, essentially the space between the end of something and the beginning of something else. It is most often painful, bewildering, and mirthless, but our ability to remain in it for as long as it takes is often rewarding. Your writing is illuminating and important and I’m grateful for it.
I just finished revisions on my book, which is about having worked as a wildland firefighter for seven years. In the book I write about a conversation I had often with my (femme, woman) co-worker. We were the only two femme ppl on the crew and we always talked about this terrible expectation that the men we worked with had: we needed to be joyful. We needed to smile and laugh and how dare we take anything seriously. This is something that’s been expected of femme(ish) (I am nonbinary) ppl for fucking ever. And honestly, it’s a compliment to be called mirthless. You’re taking something seriously. Sometimes things are serious and we have NO obligation to pretend otherwise. I can guarantee that for that one shitty comment there were tens off ppl who loved what you had to say.
I find you mirthless. What a nasty, unkind thing to say. Kick that person to the curb. I find u mirthful, with all the angst and introspection etc, you always make me laugh. Mirthful HGW, mirthful. What an uncompassionate, self indulgent, bullying thing to say to someone. Sorry, im pissed
thank you for this. your writing always hits the mark for me. fuck all expectations of what we should be. growing wiser is underrated! Amen to you, Holly.
You are not mirthless. You are introspective and super smart. I appreciate your insights and thoughts. I learn so much from you. I feel like a friend is talking to me when I read your words. Thank you for all that you share with us.
I feel like “Quit Like a Woman” was such a different part in your journey compared to where you are now. You brought such brilliance and insight to this topic using wit and humor. If you were still telling that same story in that same tone, I am not sure that you would be challenging us and the world. Quit Like a Woman, the way it was written, had a very clear purpose for our culture and society. But its now out there and having its impact. We all follow you to where you are now in your journey and how you continue to share your brilliant insights in an ever evolving tone. Thanks for continuing to challenge us. We are here for the steep climb, the summit, the cliff, wherever your journey takes you.
I recently saw a quote (that probably isn’t even recent) but it really spoke to me and I think sort of captures what I think you may be going through (I know I am): “Honor the place between no longer and not yet”. ❤️
Mirthless. Fifteen years ago, the people who at the time I called my friends used to call me “professor poopy pants.” I was in grad school, spending my days reading Marx and Crenshaw, and when talking about capitalism and intersectionality over beers, they attached this character from a children’s book to me. Just one of the many places where I was being socialized to believe that being smart or that exploring injustice and challenging hegemony was a “buzzkill.” So often, women, queer people, and people of color, are silenced by being told we are “taking things too seriously” or that we “can’t take a joke.” This complicates both sobriety and social justice, two things that you astutely connect in your writing. It’s like being told to smile more, or to lighten up and have a drink. No to that, but yes to embracing the multitudes: “That this as much as anything else is the point of being a human: how we change into unrecognizable things, our multitudes, our complexities, our capacity to be so many different things.” Thanks for your writing.
The podcast I mentioned, on Emil Cioron, I loved for many reasons, but there was this sense that his darkness, taken as nihilism, was in fact his joy; I'm probably doing it injustice but essentially, that he found the world meaningless, was what gave him a fullness; if nothing matters then there is so much potential, etc.I think my own capacity for joy and amusement comes from being able to navigate the darkness, that terrain provides this expanse and capacity. Anyway, if there were a lineup of people and one was identified as professor poopy pants, I'd choose them for sure. That's my person lol. This was a joy to read. Thank you.
Cioran's philosophy helps to illuminate why "Gender Queer" and "The Bluest Eye" are banned books and why it's our instinct to jump in and validate or fix others when they admit to deeper--darker--truths. It reminds me of "Joyful Girl" by Ani DiFranco--a song about joy that is sung in the key of "bittersweet."
It has been a motto of my life, even before sobriety, that my people are "the dark and damaged ones". Anyone labeled professor poopy pants is my people. Not to be glib, because your comment is serious and beautiful and true.
Thank you forever for who you have been and who you are now and, in advance, who you will become next. As an artist and buddhist of nearly 40 years practice, I am always conscious of the truth that nothing is constant all is change including our selves and our sense of self. As someone who was always made to feel, and told that she was, wrong, I had an epiphany once whilst trying to help a friend of mine make sense of a ‘ New Scientist’ article she had been assigned to illustrate, on The Protean Mind. Proteus was a greek god who constantly changed form and so people who have minds that function like a roulette wheel ( as mine does) are people with protean minds. When I tried to explain this concept to my talented friend I was somewhat incapacitated by the fact that I was laughing so hard that the tears were streaming down my cheeks. It was as if science was validating my very nature, I wasn’t wrong after all I was just different and a necessary part of humanity. It was such an enormous sense of relief to be so vindicated in my essential being. I sense that you are transitioning from a logicician ( if such a word exists) to a creative, an artist, maybe a protean thinker? Maybe you just need to walk out naked into the darkness and fall until you sprout wings and fly?
I turn 60 this year and the list of things I no longer am is long. But so is the list of things I am now that I wasn’t at 20, 30, 40, even 50. And to that list I will add all the things I will be, one of which is just witchy enough to spark concern in small children but not so much so as to scare them off.
THIS!
Holly - I’m sure you know this at times but perhaps the occasional reminder is not out of order. Your honest expositions of your struggles are immensely impactful to so many, myself included. Gratitude and mad respect to you my as yet not personally known but soulfully known friend.
This is a GREAT comment ❤️❤️
This: "I subverted a perceived attack into a compliment, and it occurred to me, however briefly, that I cannot fail at being who I am, or being where I am. That this as much as anything else is the point of being a human: how we change into unrecognizable things, our multitudes, our complexities, our capacity to be so many different things." I cannot overstate what a profound impact you and your messy, vulnerable, kaleidoscopic perspective on life and the everything that is sobriety have had for me. Thanks from the bottom of my heart and please keep it coming.
Honestly, this post couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me. I'm only sober 11 days (I know, I know) but your book has been a tremendous help and a great sense of comfort. There are several sentences in this post that rang dang true to me but this one, "A drinking me fit within the expectations I had for myself", hit me over the head like a mallet.
As we approach St. Patrick's Day (which is like Christmas in Chico, CA [where I live]), I'm feeling extra anxious and apprehensive about it because St. Patrick's Day last year is when I ended 9 months of sobriety.
I don't know what point I'm getting at but simply put, thank you for this timely post. And thank you for being you.
You are so supported! 11 days is a big deal! Waving at you from Eugene.
Sarah, sending love and I hear you XOLibby
Here’s to being bad at Instagram 🌟 Here’s to not trending 🌟
Here’s to not sharing on Instagram🌟
Here’s to finding another way 🌟
Here’s to us 🌟
YES
Here's to being mirthless!!
🌟👏🙂
Thank you Holly, this post made me become a paid subscriber. I would never call you mirthless, more brutally honest.
I’m a terminally sick woman of sixty one years old and there are a lot of things I cannot do anymore, but other things I can and will. It’s weird to not be able to watch crime, detectives and light horror as entertainment anymore, because I’ve lost the filter to see it as entertaining. For instance. Growing and changing are so difficult and so rewarding. Love
I’m really glad you’re here, Josh
Once I was told, by a man, “You used to be so lighthearted.” Well fuck me; 50 years of life will weigh heavy on this heart of mine. And thankfully. Maybe I’m not going through life with blinders on? Maybe things and people actually AFFECT me and God forbid; CHANGE me? Thanks for being so good at being you and for reminding me that I can’t fail at being me.
🫠 heard and felt
Love this comment Lisa. Haven't most women also been socialized that we must make everyone else OK? We must not make anyone but us uncomfortable? And so, no longer forcing ourselves to come off as lighthearted (if that maybe was part of it) appears to me to be progress and maybe a freakin victory.
I hadn’t put this together but it makes sense; I’ve always been “The Good Girl” and the “easy child.” I’m sure that plays into it, probably mostly unconsciously.
ooooo, I love this comment. Exactly! Maybe if you feel/be mirthless, it's because you're *paying attention*. "I find you mirthless" = toxic positivity. Shallow, bypassing bullshit.
A pithy response to your shitposting reader: I appreciate everything you write regardless of mirth
Your shitpost reader calling you mirthless in response to an essay that would have been far less impactful if diluted and trivialised with mirth is quite, well, full of mirth. In Gestalt therapy is “The Fertile Void”, essentially the space between the end of something and the beginning of something else. It is most often painful, bewildering, and mirthless, but our ability to remain in it for as long as it takes is often rewarding. Your writing is illuminating and important and I’m grateful for it.
I just finished revisions on my book, which is about having worked as a wildland firefighter for seven years. In the book I write about a conversation I had often with my (femme, woman) co-worker. We were the only two femme ppl on the crew and we always talked about this terrible expectation that the men we worked with had: we needed to be joyful. We needed to smile and laugh and how dare we take anything seriously. This is something that’s been expected of femme(ish) (I am nonbinary) ppl for fucking ever. And honestly, it’s a compliment to be called mirthless. You’re taking something seriously. Sometimes things are serious and we have NO obligation to pretend otherwise. I can guarantee that for that one shitty comment there were tens off ppl who loved what you had to say.
I find you mirthless. What a nasty, unkind thing to say. Kick that person to the curb. I find u mirthful, with all the angst and introspection etc, you always make me laugh. Mirthful HGW, mirthful. What an uncompassionate, self indulgent, bullying thing to say to someone. Sorry, im pissed
Me too. That comment pissed me off, on so many levels.
thank you for this. your writing always hits the mark for me. fuck all expectations of what we should be. growing wiser is underrated! Amen to you, Holly.
It is so desperately underrated. Amen back
You are not mirthless. You are introspective and super smart. I appreciate your insights and thoughts. I learn so much from you. I feel like a friend is talking to me when I read your words. Thank you for all that you share with us.
I feel like “Quit Like a Woman” was such a different part in your journey compared to where you are now. You brought such brilliance and insight to this topic using wit and humor. If you were still telling that same story in that same tone, I am not sure that you would be challenging us and the world. Quit Like a Woman, the way it was written, had a very clear purpose for our culture and society. But its now out there and having its impact. We all follow you to where you are now in your journey and how you continue to share your brilliant insights in an ever evolving tone. Thanks for continuing to challenge us. We are here for the steep climb, the summit, the cliff, wherever your journey takes you.
Here for it all 👩🏻🤝👩🏼❤️🤘🏻
Oof wow. That’s how I feel but you said it better. Thank you. Steep climb indeed.
I recently saw a quote (that probably isn’t even recent) but it really spoke to me and I think sort of captures what I think you may be going through (I know I am): “Honor the place between no longer and not yet”. ❤️
Mirthless. Fifteen years ago, the people who at the time I called my friends used to call me “professor poopy pants.” I was in grad school, spending my days reading Marx and Crenshaw, and when talking about capitalism and intersectionality over beers, they attached this character from a children’s book to me. Just one of the many places where I was being socialized to believe that being smart or that exploring injustice and challenging hegemony was a “buzzkill.” So often, women, queer people, and people of color, are silenced by being told we are “taking things too seriously” or that we “can’t take a joke.” This complicates both sobriety and social justice, two things that you astutely connect in your writing. It’s like being told to smile more, or to lighten up and have a drink. No to that, but yes to embracing the multitudes: “That this as much as anything else is the point of being a human: how we change into unrecognizable things, our multitudes, our complexities, our capacity to be so many different things.” Thanks for your writing.
The podcast I mentioned, on Emil Cioron, I loved for many reasons, but there was this sense that his darkness, taken as nihilism, was in fact his joy; I'm probably doing it injustice but essentially, that he found the world meaningless, was what gave him a fullness; if nothing matters then there is so much potential, etc.I think my own capacity for joy and amusement comes from being able to navigate the darkness, that terrain provides this expanse and capacity. Anyway, if there were a lineup of people and one was identified as professor poopy pants, I'd choose them for sure. That's my person lol. This was a joy to read. Thank you.
Cioran's philosophy helps to illuminate why "Gender Queer" and "The Bluest Eye" are banned books and why it's our instinct to jump in and validate or fix others when they admit to deeper--darker--truths. It reminds me of "Joyful Girl" by Ani DiFranco--a song about joy that is sung in the key of "bittersweet."
It has been a motto of my life, even before sobriety, that my people are "the dark and damaged ones". Anyone labeled professor poopy pants is my people. Not to be glib, because your comment is serious and beautiful and true.
Dear Holly
Thank you forever for who you have been and who you are now and, in advance, who you will become next. As an artist and buddhist of nearly 40 years practice, I am always conscious of the truth that nothing is constant all is change including our selves and our sense of self. As someone who was always made to feel, and told that she was, wrong, I had an epiphany once whilst trying to help a friend of mine make sense of a ‘ New Scientist’ article she had been assigned to illustrate, on The Protean Mind. Proteus was a greek god who constantly changed form and so people who have minds that function like a roulette wheel ( as mine does) are people with protean minds. When I tried to explain this concept to my talented friend I was somewhat incapacitated by the fact that I was laughing so hard that the tears were streaming down my cheeks. It was as if science was validating my very nature, I wasn’t wrong after all I was just different and a necessary part of humanity. It was such an enormous sense of relief to be so vindicated in my essential being. I sense that you are transitioning from a logicician ( if such a word exists) to a creative, an artist, maybe a protean thinker? Maybe you just need to walk out naked into the darkness and fall until you sprout wings and fly?
With love Suzanne