Dear Holly, thank you for writing. Since I fell from the grace of my remission (2 months ago) I stopped reading the news again and limiting all input. I just talk to people, irl or in personal chats. So I can focus the little energy I have on the people that are important and on making/creating. Overwhelm is so bad for my body. Much love to you.
This beautiful and painfully accurate missive felt like absolution this morning. Sometimes this life of unsolved personal and social mysteries feels like me as a child trying to do my math homework and I’m not getting the answers and I’m surrounded by wadded up pieces of paper all around me. And I am chastising myself for not listening in class even though I thought I was. And even when I miraculously get the right answers I cannot show my work and I get points off bc of it even though I got the right answers through some miracle of common sense or natural knowing or intuition.
Anomie feels like trauma now, or is that just another way to sell me make-up or mushroom coffee? I do acknowledge trauma, but how has it gotten so monetized?
At this point I’m retired, but not retired. Running my own small business after running others’ small businesses. On hard days, I used to say to myself as a prayer “Keep it together” many times.
I have had a very active and resilient teenager resistance to dis-integration. From tough upbringing, from parenting 24/7 for 27 years without a present partner. From working so hard to produce as I was trained to do. I have always been the manager. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m not buying it as much anymore.
But by buying that, I’ve sold trust in myself~ in my intuition, my natural knowing, common sense. I’m having to dig that out from the filth of propaganda To learn to ONLY listen to THAT. And it feels risky most of the time. And I am choosing to do it anyway. I mean I get instant results! Not always what I want, but nothing is 100%. My current mantra is “I don’t have to know. Let’s just see what happens?” And it’s uncomfortable. I spent a whole year exploring my own values. The real ones. Not the Hallmark ones. It helps when I get confused by all the shiny stuff. Maybe I’m getting more accustomed to being lost, dis-integrated, more present and curious. Less judgey of myself. It’s very abnormal. Anomie. I’m trying to make friends with that more than produce something for the state.
Is anything really ever normal?
Thank you for pointing at things in such a beautiful way. Let’s just see what happens.
Dear Holly, thank you for writing. Since I fell from the grace of my remission (2 months ago) I stopped reading the news again and limiting all input. I just talk to people, irl or in personal chats. So I can focus the little energy I have on the people that are important and on making/creating. Overwhelm is so bad for my body. Much love to you.
Thank you for this. 9 years ago your work helped me start to get sober. You're still making me feel less alone and less frightened today.
This is so good. I love you.
This beautiful and painfully accurate missive felt like absolution this morning. Sometimes this life of unsolved personal and social mysteries feels like me as a child trying to do my math homework and I’m not getting the answers and I’m surrounded by wadded up pieces of paper all around me. And I am chastising myself for not listening in class even though I thought I was. And even when I miraculously get the right answers I cannot show my work and I get points off bc of it even though I got the right answers through some miracle of common sense or natural knowing or intuition.
Anomie feels like trauma now, or is that just another way to sell me make-up or mushroom coffee? I do acknowledge trauma, but how has it gotten so monetized?
At this point I’m retired, but not retired. Running my own small business after running others’ small businesses. On hard days, I used to say to myself as a prayer “Keep it together” many times.
I have had a very active and resilient teenager resistance to dis-integration. From tough upbringing, from parenting 24/7 for 27 years without a present partner. From working so hard to produce as I was trained to do. I have always been the manager. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m not buying it as much anymore.
But by buying that, I’ve sold trust in myself~ in my intuition, my natural knowing, common sense. I’m having to dig that out from the filth of propaganda To learn to ONLY listen to THAT. And it feels risky most of the time. And I am choosing to do it anyway. I mean I get instant results! Not always what I want, but nothing is 100%. My current mantra is “I don’t have to know. Let’s just see what happens?” And it’s uncomfortable. I spent a whole year exploring my own values. The real ones. Not the Hallmark ones. It helps when I get confused by all the shiny stuff. Maybe I’m getting more accustomed to being lost, dis-integrated, more present and curious. Less judgey of myself. It’s very abnormal. Anomie. I’m trying to make friends with that more than produce something for the state.
Is anything really ever normal?
Thank you for pointing at things in such a beautiful way. Let’s just see what happens.